


Fear

by Haru_Loysingh



Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: Angst, Changmin POV, Fear of Death, Food Poisoning, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-11
Updated: 2013-08-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 03:54:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/921687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haru_Loysingh/pseuds/Haru_Loysingh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ever felt the fear of loosing someone? Changmin PoV during Yunho^s poisoning (yeaah - i know OLD topic but I felt like writing that)</p><p> </p><p>Written Feb 2009</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fear

Fear.  
Ever felt it?  
The fear of loosing someone?  
  
It makes your mouth dry as it you´re dehydrated.   
  
It makes your heart beat faster as if it wants to burst out of your body.  
  
It makes your stomach tighten and form a knot that pains you, makes you feel sick.  
  
It makes you want to cry out in agony.  
  
Fear´s indescribleable.   
  
I haven´t seen it happening but I saw him doublle over in pain. Saw the cold sweet and the panic in his eyes. I saw the others turn around when he almost fell to the ground. I saw manager-hyung ask you a thousand questions you can only answer with clenched teeth.  
  
It made my heart stop beating for a moment.  
  
The rest happens in slowmotion and I feel as if I´m not really there. Just a watcher.. Observing but unable to do something.   
He shows them the bottle with juice. He can barely stand and Junsu´s talking in high notes into his mobile, calling an ambulance.   
They urge him to the bathroom to vomit whatever was in that drink.   
I suddenly feel a hand on my back and gasp, realizing I´ve been holding my beath.  
I´m shivering.   
Yoochun´s behind me, fear and tears in his eyes.   
People rush in and the staff calls orders. They place him on a carriage and take him out, Hyung running along.  
  
He´s in so much pain.  
I can almost feel it myself.   
  
Yet he opens eyes, searching for me.  
  
What if that´s the last time?  
  
What it that´s the last time I see him?  
  
What if that´s the last mouthed "I love you" I ever see from him?  
  
What if that gentle hand on my back earlier was the last time he ever touched me?  
  
I feel numb when the doors close behind him and the ambulance speeds off. Jae´s pale when he comes over to us. Well, we´re probably all pale. Shocked. The fear´s eating on us.   
"He might have been ...poisoned", Jaejoong whispers.   
"How did that drink come in here? Unseen?" Junsu asked, his voice about as low. Why do the talked in hushed whispers. It´s not as if the chaos around us wouldn´t make enough noise. Jaejoong shakes his head. "I dunno. He said it was open and so he thought it was one of ours, or of the staff. I dunno.." he sighed.   
I barely listen. Their words seem to be an echo from far away.   
  
Then I feel Jaejoong´s look on me and he wraps an arm around my shoulders. "Let´s go home. Hyung will call as soon as they know more."   
I don´t want to yet I follow them to the dressing rooms. My hands shiver as I pick up Yunho´s stuff.   
  
"Minnie..." Yoochun takes one of my hands. "He´ll be okay."   
But he doesn´t trust his voice himself. I can hear it . He´s not sure. Not confident.   
How could he?  
We just saw yunho being taken away by an emergency ambulance.   
  
We saw him before the amublance came.   
  
We might never see him again.  
  
I want to go to the hospital. I want to see him.  
Right now.  
Dropping the bags I rush out but Jaejoong catches me. "You can´t Min," he tells me as if he knows exactly what is up my mind. "You can´t."   
  
"But I have to see him!" I call out - shocked about how desperate my voice sounds. "Jae.....please..."   
  
He shakes his head.  
  
And I hate him.  
Hate him for protecting me.  
Hate him for not letting me go.  
  
We drive home and the van is unusually quiete. It feels empty without Yunho on his place.   
I stare out of the window onto the streets, losts in my thoughts. Lost in my memories.   
Yoochun and Junsu start to talk silently, I´m sure just to pull me out of my thoughts but it won´t work.   
Jaejoong reaches out and holds my hand, trying to give me some strength.  
Strength he doesn´t know he has himself.   
  
  
They seem endless.  
  
These hours we have to wait for the call.  
  
It makes you feel so helpless.   
  
I just sit on my bed, staring at Yunho´s next to mine. I stare at Bambi, resting on the pillow where Yunho had put her this morning.   
I want to take her and hold her. Smell Yunho´s scent on her. But I don´t dare to move her.   
  
The sound of the doorbell appears so loud it makes me jump. A quick look at the clock tells me I´ve been sitting here for 3 hours already. Jae´s voice calls me and Junsu sticks his head in. "Manager-hyung´s back. Wanna hear?"   
  
I can´t move.   
I don´t want to hear it.  
I slowly shake my head. I know I should go. I should go out there and listen to his news about my lover. But I just can´t.  
What if the news are bad?  
What if they are ...worst?  
  
Junsu closes the door again and after what seems and eternity he comes back.   
  
"He´ll be fine", he whispers, wrapping his arms around me.   
It´s all he has to say. To do.  
  
Tears run down my cheeks and he wipes them.  
"Want to know more?" he carefully asks and when I don´t reply he just starts talking. "There was some kind of glue in that drink. They pumped out his stomach and he has medication now. He´ll be fine soon. But I guess he was lucky he just took some sibs of it. It´s scary. Hyung said, maybe it was probably one of those Anti-Fans. It could have been any of us."   
  
It wasn´t any of us.  
It was Yunho.  
My Yunho.  
  
I wish it had been me.  
  
I cringe at Junsu´s words. It pains me to hear them.   
How can someone do that?  
How?  
  
"Come and join us in the liviing room, Minnie", Junsu whispers, trying to get me out of the dark. Away from my thoughts. He´s scared - but not only for Yunho but also for me.  
"Can I go see him?" I ask, my voice hoarse.   
  
Junsu shrugs. "Hyung says, he´s sleeping now. I guess..maybe tomorrow?"   
I get up before he´s finished and rush out, grabbing the keys to Yunho´s bike and leave the apartment.   
The others don´t have a chance to stop me again.  
  
They won´t let me see him.  
I´m not family, they say.  
It hurts to much.  
This feeling of helplessness.  
He´s there.  
Just behind these doors.  
And yet I can´t see him.  
Can´t be with him.  
Can´t just be there for him.  
  
I don´t know how much time had passen but when I look up the next time from the grey floor of the hospital, the others are there. Junsu and Yoochun sit next ot me, their arms around my shoulders.   
"Let´s go home", they say.  
  
  
Hyung brings him home a the next day. I watch them from the living room.   
He needs moer rest, Hyung says. But he insisted on going home already.   
I heard the had called the police after the Anti-Fan had given herself in, telling them to let her get away.   
I don´t understand him - yet, that´s what´s Yunho.  
  
My Yunho.  
  
It wouldn´t be him if he had her punished - but damn, she could have killed him.   
She could have taken him away from me.  
I wish she would have gotten some punishment.  
  
He´s pale and looks sick but he smiles when I enter out bedroom as soon as Hyung has left.   
He reached out a hand for me and I climp on the bed, rest my head against his chest and cry.  
"I´m fine."   
"You could have been dead."   
"I could have been serveral times already but I´m not. Seems I´m still needed here."   
"I need you."   
"I know."   
"You can´t leave me alone!"   
"I know."   
"I love you."   
"I know." He takes my head into his warm hands and forces me to look at him. I barely manage a smile. Too painfull still the thoguht of almost having lost him.   
  
That evening, that night, noone disturbs us. We just hold each other, talk in hushed whispers. Make promises until he drifts off into sleep, exhausted.   
I can´t sleep that night.   
I just keep watching him.  
Trying to fight the knowledge that one day, I surely have to let him go.  
  
The fear will always be with me.   
The fear of loosing him.


End file.
